How to get a wage increase...

ON RAISES:

Simply put, getting a raise is painful. You wish it would automatically happen, but thats not the way it works. It never will. Your boss isn't going to walk right in and say, "Joe, you need a raise. It appears that given the current market value of your services, you should be getting paid $10,000 more. Now, I know the year is almost over, so we'd like to give you a bonus to make up for the rest of the year, then raise your salary by 10,000 next year. How does that sound?"

I'd argue, "Well, I don't know about that. You know, the company has been in a bit of a crunch. Money has been tight since the merger, and you know about the rumor that layoffs are a couple months away. I think that I'd like to stay at my current rate. It would be the best for the company."

"Wow, what an honerable young lad you are (EDITOR: Who says "young lad" anymore?). I think that given the unique value you bring to the company that you really need a raise." He'd respond.

"Relly? Like what?" I'd snap back.

"Well, for example, I've noticed that you've really been delivering on your promises. Not only have you been delivering, but you've been going above and beyond and helping others with their own projects. Don't think that we dont notice that. Don't think that we don't take that into account. We see and appreciate that you trully want to enhance the experience here at our company. In return for your dedication, love for work, and extra hours, we'd like to compensate you. It really is the least we can do."

"How about an office? Can I get an office with a door that closes?" I may begin to believe.

"Yes, we've recently attatched an office to the third story. I myself cant believe they've managed a way to just stick an additional office space on the side of a skyscraper, but by Jobe they've done it (EDITOR: Who says "by Jobe" anymore?).

"I'll take that raise, and I'll take the office. Wow, you're such a great negotiater, where did you learn?"

"Your imagination."

"Ahh... wonderful. Hey, look, my desk is made of chocolate, and my pencil holder is a can of coke. Sweet."

ON THINKING ABOUT GETTING MORE MONEY AT WORK:

But nooooo, its not that easy. No one is going to ask for your raise but you! You need to go out there and get it. But you can't be asking every year, nooooo... that will make you seem like some kind of money monster. If you ask for more money, THAT means that you're just in it for the money. It means you never wanted the job in the first place. It means that in the limbo of life ethics you hold, you're taking that limbo stick a little lower. LIMBO LIMBO LIMBO!

ON GETTING A WAGE INCREASE:

The answer is within. All within. Stop looking at what everyone else in your office is making, stop looking and what they have that you don't. Focus on yourself. What is my maket value? Hmm... check. What unique value do I bring to the company. Hmm... check. Have those two things in your mind when you ask for a raise and you have it made.